Viewpoints
7:00am: Smack Snooze button. Check iPhone. Only four replies to last night’s blog posting? F#$^ this, I’m going back to bed.
8:00am: Roll out of bed. If the world isn’t going to recognize my genius, I’ll have to shove it down their throat. Log on to Twitter to link to last night’s blog posting – “John J. Mearsheimer: Huge douchebag, or hugest douchebag ever? An empirical study: http://bit.ly/4r91a3”. That should mobilize the masses…
9:25am: Stroll into my office and slam the door shut. God I hope all the students stay home with swine flu… There’s a knock on the door. “Whattaya want?!” Incredibly, a student walks in. Before I get a chance to ignore him, he gushes about my latest blog post. This kid gets it. I realize I’ve allowed the beginnings of a smile on my face, and immediately frown. That hasn’t happened since the Reagan administration… I must be losing my edge. I throw the student out and vow never to let it happen again.
9:30am: I respond to a snarky comment on my blog with an equally snarky comment. I then engage in a protracted Twitter-off with some untenured, intellectually outgunned professor from some state university. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, motherf#%ker…
11:08am: I stroll into Cabot
205 for my Global Political Economy class. Apparently the entire MIB class has
swine H1N1 flu, so only a handful of students remains. “Get out of here,
class is cancelled!” I boom. I love the natural authority in my voice.
11:20am: With all this free time, I walk to Nick’s Pizza on Boston Avenue for lunch. Yeah, I’m for the people! I order a Diet Coke and a slice of veggie pizza, and start furiously mopping off the grease with a serviette. I pay the guy with a hundred dollar bill, of course. He has the nerve to offer me change. “You think the guy in the $4,000 suit wants change back from the guy who doesn’t make that in a month?!” I boom. “C’MON!!” I flip a chair for good measure. I sense respect in my fellow diners’ eyes.
12:34pm: I stroll into my committee meeting. The committee members have left an empty chair close to the entrance – for me, naturally – and awaited my arrival to defer entirely to my genius. The meeting lasts six minutes.
1:59pm: Unfortunately the students showed up for my Statecraft class. I engage in a series of witty anecdotes, YouTube clips, and questions designed for students to get wrong. The students can’t stop laughing (with me).
2:15pm: A cell phone goes off. I require the student to sing the complete works of Gilbert and Sullivan until he collapses.
3:02pm: I end class early, to thunderous applause and multiple calls for my nomination to the Nobel Peace Prize.
3:05pm: I spend an hour looking up “Salma Hayek” on Google Images.
4:15pm: I stroll out to my car. Today was a good day.
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