Arch Conservative
Public Health Alert: the socialist regime in Washington
has a plan to turn
your children into pigs
My fellow patriots,
As you know, the Archconservative is constantly on the lookout for threats to
your safety, well-being, and the sanctity of our fundamental American values. No
one, except perhaps for the perceptive and omniscient Sarah Palin, is as devoted
to protecting you and your way of life. So when I say without hyperbole that we
are facing an existential crisis that imperils our very identity, you know how
serious I am.
We defenders of the American Way have many enemies, some of
whom—distressingly—hold American passports. (The Archconservative has no need to
travel abroad and therefore has no passport at all – I learned everything I
needed to about other countries from Red Dawn.) Among these dangerous criminals
are the President, Congress, gays, latte liberals of the Pacific Northwest,
people who recycle, and all of New England.
Who Does This Sound Like? Answer: Satan (=Liberals)
Alas, these are not the only perils we
face. I write to you today with a heavy heart to inform you of another group
which must be added to the list of internal traitors who seek to bring down
America with ever crueler and more nefarious plots. It is with deep regret that
I expose the American medical establishment as riddled with villains,
terrorists, and, probably, illegal aliens.
Now, I know you expect me to warn you about the upcoming socialist takeover of
our health care industry, which will put us all in the hands of faceless,
mindless bureaucrats who will inject our grandmothers with lethal fluids for
sport and expose our helpless babes to the elements while laughing maniacally.
This is indeed a threat, and you should all be heavily armed in order to protect
yourselves and your families from roving death panels. However, the danger I
want to bring to your attention today is not socialized medicine, but the
nefarious swine flu vaccine.
Swine flu hysteria is sweeping the nation. On the radio, on CNN, everywhere in
the mainstream media you can hear desperate injunctions to wash your hands,
cover your mouth when coughing, and, above all, to get your children vaccinated
against this viral menace. Unless you allow school nurses to stick vaccine
dispensers—and who knows what else—up your child’s nostrils, these doomsayers
warn, this dread mutation of the normal flu will overcome herd immunity, kill
the youth of America, and destroy life as we know it.
This is nothing more than politically-motivated hysterical fear-mongering,
promoted by a government with an ulterior motive. The last influenza epidemic
was in 1919, decades before America became a superpower and therefore impervious
to such mundane threats as disease. Furthermore, any responsible parent knows
that vaccines are the cause of everything from autism to communist sympathies,
and should be kept away from children at all costs.
No, the dark secret driving the vaccine craze is that Democrats intend to use
the swine flu vaccine to eliminate their political rivals once and for all. In a
touch of hideous irony, sources deep within the Surgeon General’s office have
informed me that the true intent of the so-called “vaccine” is to turn good
God-fearing obedient Conservative children into pigs—the only thing more
dangerous than allowing your children to catch swine flu is letting the
government turn them into actual swine.
So be vigilant, my besieged compatriots! Stick to your guns (literally) and
refuse to allow your children to become the next victims of a liberal plot to
eliminate us once and for all! I will continue to delve into the deepest,
darkest secrets of our socialist fascist overlords and expose them to the
punishing light of day. If we remain true to our values, nothing can defeat us,
not even the prospect of turning into pigs.
Yours in vaccine-free health,
The Archconservative
The Arch Conservative is defending America right now by coughing
ostentatiously on foreigners. Sufficiently patriotic emails may be sent by fellow Christian Capitalists to
viewpoints@fletcherledger.com.
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